this romeo is bleeding
but you can see his blood
it's nothing that some feelings
that this old dog kicked up

its been raining since you left me
now i'm drowning in the flood
see i've always been a fighter
but without you, i'd give up

now i can't sing a love song
like the way it's meant to be
well i guess i'm not that good anymore
but baby thats just me

now the pictures that you left behind
are just memories of a different life
some of them made us laugh
some of them made us cry
why they made have to say goodbye

what i'd give to run my fingers through your hair
touch your lips, to hold you near
when you say your prayers, try to understand
i've made mistakes, i'm just a man

when he holds you close
when he pulls you near
when says the words you've been meaning to hear
i wish i was him, with those words of mine
to say to you til the end of time

if you told me to cry for you, i could
if you told me to die for you, i would
take a look at my face, there's no price i won't pay
to say these words to you

well there ain't no luck in these loaded dice
but baby if you give me just one more time
we can pack up our old dreams and our old lives
we'll find a place where the sun still shines

i will love you, always
and i'll be there forever and a day

i'll be there til stars don't shine
till the heavens burst
and the words don't rhyme
i know when i die, you'll be on my mind
and i'll love you,
always.

all day
staring at the ceiling
making friends with shadows on my wall

all night
hearing voices telling me
that i should get some sleep
because tomorrow might be good for something

hold on
feeling like i'm headed for a breakdown
and i don't know why

me,
talking to myself in public
and dodging glances on the train
and I know
i know they've all been talking bout me
i can hear them whisper
and it makes me think that there must be something wrong with me
out of all the hours thinking
somehow i've lost my mind

i've been talking in my sleep
pretty soon they'll come to get me
yeah, they're taking me away

well i'm not crazy
i'm just a little unwell
i know right now you can't tell
but stay a while and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me

i'm not crazy
i'm just a little impaired
i know, right now you don't care
but soon enough you're gonna think of me
and how I used to be.

karl and david were singing this song after bio lecture.
they *so* do not do gloria gaynor justice.
especially when they try to sound diva-ish.

haha. but it's damn catchy.
after that me and yus were singing together.

at first i was afraid
i was petrified
kept thinking i could never live
without you by my side
but i spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
i grew strong
i learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
i just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
i should have changed my stupid lock
i should have made you leave your key
if I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

it took all the strength i had
just not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and i spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
i used to cry
now I hold my head up high
and you see me
with somebody new
i'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now i'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
did you think i'd crumble
did you think i'd lay down and die
oh no, not i
i will survive
as long as i know how to love
i know i will stay alive
i've got all my life to live
i've got all my love to give
and i'll survive
i will survive.

haha.
maths test on thursday.
trigonometry. yikes.

was super bored today during bio lecture.
then suddenly ranon asked if i had a blog.
if was more of a conformation really, i think he already knew.

and then we decided to do this swapping thing.
and i wrote the old blog address.
half truth la.

anyway, he didn't give his real blog address either.
but i found it out now.

so should i tell him?
hmm.. maybe not.

so3L knows like *all* of my secrets. it's damn scary.
and somehow they just leak out.

and the blog.
thuoght that they wouldn't find out.
then mellie saw.
and linked.
and then everyone knew.

aiyah. but it's not like i don't trust them or anything.
i mean i'm super close to those kids. even though i've only knew them for 4 months.
even the newbies, who i've known for like.. 2 months?

just the thought that these people would be reading this.. judging me..

it's different when it's some stranger.
i mean.. maybe he'll read it.. leave a comment, and never see you again.

it's different when it's someone you know.
and it's the worst thing when they say "you don't sound like you in your blog."
or when they start judging you on your blog. and then start comparing you to what you behave like in school.

cause not many people realize that we react differently in different situations.
at home, i'm horribly sarcastic. and spoilt. and childish and everything.
when i'm in school, i'm a little insane. but sociable.
with friends i'm horribly insane.
and with close friends, i'm a little more serious.
and while blogging it becomes emotional.
something like an overload of feelings.

insecurities. fears. dreams. nightmares. all exposed.
which makes it the most raw.

and the most dangerous.

just like how some eskimo can read my blog and read about my crush on x and everything.
no matter.

whole game changes when x's best friend reads it and spreads it around the whole school.

get my drift?

maybe i should abandon this one too. just like how i abandoned the earlier one cause the teachers in crescent and gee found out about it.

and then tell the people whom i'm close to about it. the people whom i don't mind gushing to.
and then tell them not to link.

but then again, i lose the whole stranger thing.
i mean.. there are these strangers who just happen to click on my name from their friend's blog.. have no idea who i am.. and start reading.. and leave a comment..

that's nice.

makes me feel that someone out there feels the same way.

will think about it.

and ranon, if you found this, congratulations.
maybe a career as a detective cum stalker might be of interest.

today:

4.15pm. met pea. went to starbucks.

regular mocha frap. extra whipped cream, please.

sat on the nice comfy couch.
talked a lot of crap.

8.45pm.

left the nice comfy couch at starbucks.

4 and a half hours. just sitting around. haha.

this is life.

directed towards the neighbourhood school students...

"To beware:
Welcome to RJC. See, you can claim all you want about how screwed up we are, how proud you are to be with you street-smart gang but eventually, you still crave to be one of us."

and then the outrage continued.

sad. so sad.

got this from qing.

anjali
You are a sensitive person and often find yourself daydreaming about your past and future. You are quite conservative and the values that your parents and teachers instilled in you still play an important part in your decision making.

You're very careful and circumspect in all matters but you won't face any problems until they actually happen. Also you're a kind and sensitive person.

You are vigorous yet gentle. You appear to be mysterious to those who don't know you very well because you don't often reveal your feelings. You like to socialize and are popular among your peers.

You are logical, smart and inventive. Sometimes you are too cold and selfish.

something ugly this way comes
through my fingers sliding inside
all these blessings all these burns
i'm godless underneath your cover
search for pleasure search for pain
in this world now i am undying
i unfurl my flag my nation helpless

as i begin to lose my grip
on these realities your sending
taste your mind and taste your sex
i'm naked underneath your cover

covers lie and we will bend and borrow
with the coming sign
the tide will take the sea will rise and time will rein.

black black heart why would you offer more
would you make it easier on me to satisfy
i'm on fire
i'm rotting to the core
i'm eating all your kings and queens
all your sex and your diamonds

-david usher

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says.
"Describe the mechanisms that control oogenesis in mammals, with particular reference to hormonal involvement. [12]" tys. biology practical. june 1993.

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
bottle of deodrant.

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
malcolm in the middle.

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is:
11.40pm.

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:
12.23am.

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
crickets. it's dead quiet.

7: When did you last step outside? What were you doing?:
yesterday night. went shopping with steph and chengs.

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?:
sarah's blog. [quiz courtesy of her.]

9: What are you wearing?:
a towel. [thought that i'd blog while letting my body dry off.]

10: Did you dream last night?:
yes. but forgot what it was about.

11: When did you last laugh?:
yesterday.

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?:
glow in the dark stars. cause i'm afraid of the dark. the air con. almost full length mirror. shelves.

14(a): What book are you currently reading?:
"6 characters in search of an author." it's a play.

14(b): What is the last book you finished?:
cleo magazine. haven't finished a book in a long time.

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:
a good tutor to save me from the mess that i'm in.

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
i'm actually filing up all my notes. suprised?

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would it be?
people would be in a better mood all the time.

19: Do you like to dance?
yeah. if no one's watching.

20: What is the last thing you ate or drank?
toasted foccacia with fresh tomatoes in olive oil. yum.

21(a): Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
something.. different. if i marry a chinese guy.. then i want her chinese name to be shen ling. i don't know. it just sounds nice. and i think it means forest.

21(b): Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
something different too.

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?
maybe for some time. but would probably come back to singapore after a while.

my own list added on to happy thoughts.

- shopping. and buying lots of things. and spending lots of money.
- dark dark chocolate.
- clean sheets.
- the smell of freshly cut lemon.
- warm towels.
- chilled sweet rambutans with skins and seeds removed.
- a bone crushing hug.
- fat free chocolate ice cream.
- aceing a test at rj. [if it ever happens]
- making someone laugh.
- honeydew cold from the fridge.
- my white gold necklace.
- playing a prank on someone and watching them squirm.
- the smell of my mango soap in the bathroom after i have a bath.
- mcdonald's ice cream's only 25 cents.
- watching a good play.
- the way anyone's nails can look like a million bucks after they've been buffed.
- laughing so hard my stomach hurts.
- spending time with those i love.

since i bought the new shoes, i might as well elaborate on it.

nike. air emerge plus 2004.

totally black. if not with the white base and the glittery sliver lining the logo.

glitter. silver. and black.

nice nice combination.

for once chengs says that i have "good taste".

the saleslady was laughing at us. how everything i thought was nice she thought was disgusting..

me: i need running shoes. black. or dark coloured. i don't want it to become dirty easily.
her: i want basketball shoes. not black.

and then we went the the place that sold skechers shoes.
me: eh.. LOOK. *points excitedly to the black 3 inch heel shoes with glitter*
chengs: erbs.

ha. but she admitted that my emerges are nice.
"not bad. you have good taste... for once."

ha.

steph said that they looked a little poser.
but i guess as a girl i can get away with it.

me: do they look poser?
steph: hm.. a little.. for a guy.
me: ah. but i'm not a guy right?
steph: not...really.
me: what do you mean by not really?!

haha.

chengs has her eye set on the nike up tempos.

just realised that a lot of people wear nike.

out of my last 7 shoes that i can recall, my first was an all white nike x trainer. cause at that time i was in rgps. and we had to wear all white shoes. then in cgs we could wear black trimmings, so i had an almost totally white runner with a dark blue tick. and then i wore my sis' navy and lime x trainers for a while, and then they allowed totally black, grey, blue or white soes.. so i wore grey prestos.. and then black ones after that... and now my black emerges for rjc.

my school bag for secondary school was a nike drum.
my socks are nike dri fit.
my two waterbottles are both nikes.
so is my black sportsbra.

come to think of it... all my sports brand things are all nike-ish.
anything remotely sporty that needs a brand name is nike. wow.

come to think of it.. i am a little brand conscious. bleah. so i admitted it.

bought new shoes today.
cheered me up.

that and the company that i was buying shoes today with.
they cheered me up too.

despite the fact that the shoes that i had my eye on was sold to someone else, even though the sales lady said that i she would reserve it, and the fact that i saw the perfect bag. which cost $49.99 which my mom refused to let me buy cause allegedly i have "too many bags at home."

so even with my 2nd choice shoes.. and no bag..
i'm happy.

yus is such a dear. she saw me feeling all down and wrote me a letter about all the things that would make me happy.
was suprised she knew so much about me.

think i shall write it down. so that whenever i'm glum.. i'll remember the letter she wrote to me, and will remember that i have really nice friends.

happy thoughts.
the perfect purple dress we was at tbp.
seeing eye candy #1.
seeing eye candy #2 smile.
the smell bodyshop melon mist.
peanut butter orange and green m&ms.
buying new shoes.
having nice decorations in my notebook.
the helium nice shiny star balloon. so shiny that you can see your reflection in it.
me.

haha. yes yus. the last one makes me *especially* happy. ;)

vid, suba, karl and minzheng wrote me letters too.
ranon, jinjie, abs, wenjin and amrita sent smses.
all during bio lecture.

man, either i looked really weighed down or i have really nice friends.

i'm leaning towards the latter.

karl and minzheng tried to cheer me up by trying to make me laugh in their letter.

i stared down at a picture of a chicken in a cage and sneakers.
underneath it was scrawled "coop + run"

they meant to make it kuperan.
coop run. cooprun. coopayrun. coopayren. kuperan.

and then they drew cartoons of themselves. a square face with square specs and rectangular lines meant to be braces, and a oblong with one eye thrice the size of the other.

"from karla dear and mz cutie pie."

and they tried writing a poem.

guess that it was too terrific to remember.

ha.

but i really appreciated the effort.
their lameless was horribly endearing.

i've decided that whenever i refer to stupiduglybitchleechyekeow, otherwise known as the gp tutor, i shall just call her batch.

but it's fine to type it down as bitch.

stupiduglybitchleechyekeow, i hope you die. right now. you irritating shit. you're such a loser. does it bother you that you're so short that you can't even reach up to my armpits? and what's your problem? just because "asphyxiate" is in my vocabulary and not yours, it doesn't mean that it's not a real word. and it doesn't mean that you have to circle it in that disgustingly leaking horribly red pen of yours. i'm sure you think that you're super great cause you think that you're a teacher at rj. woohoo. rj. let me tell you something.. rj isn't half as great as we toot it all out to be. it's filled with old fuddy duddy teachers like you. top jc in singapore? yeah. so what? top in what? just because inherently smart people go in and do well with absolutely no help from idiots like you. who try to appear to be elitist.

"you're in rj. the best jc in singapore. you must uphold the name."

want to try being elitist.

want to try elitism? how about this?

you're what.. already menopausing.. at least 50..
of which the last 1 year was spent at rj.
and the other 26 years of your teaching courier was at some unheard of school.
just because you were lucky and got *posted* to rj...

remember, dwarf, posted. posted. posted. posted.

you got in by default.
they just put people in randomly.

and you were lucky.

that's it.

and what crap do u have to prove that you're such a great teacher anyway?

you can't even control the class yourself.
so you resort to giving white slips to random people whom you don't like just so that the rest of the class would get scared and cooperate.

you call that teaching?

idiot.

my irritating gp teacher gave me a white slip.

a demerit point.

a horrible mark on my record.
permanent too.

it goes in my dossier.

together with my testimonial..

how wonderful.

and for what?

for not "receiving" my assignment.

which i handed in. and *everyone* saw me hand in.

but she refuses to believe me, or anyone for that matter. and just gave me that anyway.

worst part about it?

she didn't even tell me about it.

today morning i come to school and stupid ct's ugly face looms over me even before assembly..

"you're in trouble."

how eloquent.

get my ct in. the guy who writes my testimonial.

stupid ugly bitch leechyekeow.
i hope you die.

quote of the day.. today during dinner,,

mom: anjali. eat the last piece.
me: no. i'm full.
dad: anjali, eat the last piece.
me: no. i don't want it.
mom: anjali, eat the last piece.
me: no. *stares* i. don't. want. it. *stares harder*
mom: how dare you stare at me like how i stare at other people?!

hahaha.

people say that my stare is horribly scary.

"did i offend you? ...anjali.. don't stare at me like that.. i'm scared..."

but i guess a powerful stare is your one of your best comebacks anytime.

Eysenck's Test Results

Extraversion (72%) high which suggests you are very talkative, optimistic, and sociable but possibly not very reflective. Neuroticism (64%) moderately high which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous. Psychoticism (51%) medium which suggests you are moderately offensive, uncooperative, and rebellious.

Take Eysenck's EPQ-R based Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

somewhere between the procrastination and the homework..
and the incessant forwards and the friendships
and the calls to each other complaining about crushes and boyfriends..
and ex boyfriends.

somewhere between the phone calls to old friends
and the "I miss you's",
the "I love you's"
and the "What are we doing tonight's?"

and somewhere between all of the changing and growing...
somewhere between the classes and the skipping classes...

and the studying for tests
and the pretending to "study" for tests

and the downright not studying for tests...

i forgot what school was all about.

somewhere between all the appointments, starbucks coffee and mc donald's...
paying bills and then not paying bills...

making plans.

then breaking plans...

appearing...
disappearing...
then reappearing...

i forgot what it was like to cry.

i forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy.
and that pretending to be smart doesn't make you smart.

i forgot that you can't just forget the past in fear of the future.

i forgot that you can't control falling in love..
and that you can't make yourself fall in love.

i learned that i can love.
and i learned that it's okay to mess up.

it's okay to ask for help.

and it's okay to feel like crap.
i learned it's okay to complain and whine to all your friends for a whole day.

i learned that sometimes the things you want most of the things you just can't have.

and the things that you look for are right in front of you.

i learned that the greatest thing about school and college and even the working world
isn't about the parties or the drinking or the hookups.

it's the friendships which means taking chances.

i learned that sometimes the things we want to forget are the things which we most need to talk about.

i learned that time and love can heal all things

i learned that just when you think it can't get worse - it does.

but with the love and support of friends - you survive.

i've learned that when you start feeling bad about losing touch and about those that you've lost, they too are feeling the same way.

i learned that letters from friends are the most important things.

and that sending cards to your friends makes you feel better.

but basically, i learned that my friends, both old and new,
are the most important people to me in the world.
and without them, i wouldn't be who i am today.

So this is a THANK YOU to all of my friends.

for always being there.

listening to nat king cole's unbelievable.

used to be my favourite song growing up.
like when i was 5?

nostalgic to hear it again.

reason.

nice, sad song.

and since this girl has been feeling rather down lately,
you guys have to put up with this glum posts.

i'm not a perfect person, there are many things i wish i didn't do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you

i'm sorry that i hurt, its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches your tears, thats why i need you to hear

i'm not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you
and so i hate to say before i go, that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know
a reason for all that i do, and that reason is you.

argh.

sometimes you wish things would just go back to what they used to be.

and you could be whoever you wanted to be.

and at the breakneck speed at which we all are growing up in jc..
i seem to be pushed harder and harder to grow up.

despite the fact that i violently object to it.

in secondary school, it was fine to be immature. it was still acceptable.

now, do something stupid and everyone gives you the same supercillious look.

"what is she doin'?"

hmph.

it's the inevitable timeblock we all face.
i guess my mid life crisis came 30 years too early.

a semi mid life crisis, if you will.

maybe what just happened might have something to do with it.

contrary to popular belief, the people in rj are horribly sweet.
well, maybe just the ones i know.

i love you guys.

[even though you guys will never, ever read this.]

maybe it's the nomad-ish behaviour of me.

people find out about your blog. shut down. move on.

somehow the past is made more temporary.
like how memories fade.

many new strangers are starting to read this thing.
i guess i'll have to go say thanks.

my $30 haagen daaz and olio dome vouchers have expired.
never got to use them.

maybe that's what's making me blue too.

and the fact that i have a gp summary on the effects and control of advertising due in 6 hours.

at least it's not monday anymore.

here we lie to rest,
the shattered remains of little anjali's delicate crystal heart.

to those who know what happened, thanks.
it's nice to have you guys around.

to those who don't.. and demand that they have a right to know..
ask for the details personally.

kind of bogged down now.
keep thinking about it.

stop it.

argh.