aunt is staying over.
sleeping on my bed now as i type this.

guess i'll have to share a bed with her tonight.

i'll try hard not to kick her or something.

just realised that i've had this bed since i was born.

haha. how cool is that? first 8 years of my life i was too scared to sleep alone.. so gee and i slept together.

and then when i was 8 gee left for london so i was forced to sleep alone.
at least i had a night light.

8 years later, i'm 16.

the curtains are never drawn since i need the light outside.

yes, i'm still scared of the dark.

how mature of me.

i was so high i did not recognize
the fire burning in her eyes
the chaos that controlled my mind

whispered goodbye and she got on a plane
never to return again
but always in my heart

i tried my best to feed her appetite
keep her coming every night
so hard to keep her satisfied

kept playing love like it was just a game
pretending to feel the same
then turn around and leave again

i'll fix these broken things
repair your broken wings
and make sure everything's alright

my pressure on your hips
sinking my fingertips
into every inch of you
cause I know that's what you want me to do

this love has taken its toll on me
she said goodbye too many times before
and her heart is breaking in front of me
i have no choice cause i won't say goodbye anymore.

yeah..
of course, my despondent little "friend"...

10 years of bitching has led to this.
more bitching.

it's amazing what a dissembler you are.
you scream incessantly about someone who uses *that* thing so that they can indirectly refer that *that* thing done by *that* person..

and you use "you"..

to refer to *that* thing that *that* person does that "you" can't stand, simply because *that* person uses *that* thing to refer to *that*.
[getting confused?]

*clapclap*

wonderful.

do you even need a better case of your hypocrisy?

whatever.

bottom line is..
i still have the better life.

look who's winning now?

wait.

look who's been winning always?

the competition is still on, dear.
this game is not over.

just give up.

you've been losing from the beginning anyway.

- chop suey

wake up.
grab a brush and put a little makeup
hide the scars to fade away the shake up
why'd you leave the keys up on the table?
here you go create another fable.

i don't think you trust
in my self-righteous suicide,
i cry when angels deserve to die.

ah.

i need new shoes.

today during pe the instructor told us that some of us had really bad grip on our shoes..
and that if it starts losing its grooves and stuff it's time we changed.

and i finally looked at the soles of my shoes after 2 years...
and they were totally smooth...

ah. that was like super bad la.

i've just realised that my prestos that i have grown to love actually are giving me more problems than the style they provide.

just realised that prestos aren't even running shoes... they don't offer much support or anything..
they just look good and make your ankles look thinner.

so apart from looks there is nothing much left.

council interview on thursday.
it would be the major shortlisting period.

wish me luck.

and it ends today.

my last "totally-free" school holiday.

according to the bio lecturer, this is the last holiday that we will ever have in rj since after this, all the holidays we have will constitute of mugging for the os.

bleah.

have done no homework whatsoever.

maybe it's cause i just have no mood to.
or because i totally do not understand anything.

am slacking a lot more than before.
and it's not even play hard and slack.

i miss crescent.
i miss the container block.
i miss 2003.

that year was the busiest ever.
and yet.. it turned out the best.

was doing un for the school until the day before prelims.
putting cca before my studies.
[not that i studied much anyway..]
and as an acknowledgement, they gave me the bronze award.

that time i was nagging at myself.
gold is obviously reserved for the valedictorian..
so there's no use me pining for it.
and besides, she had probably done a million moer things than me.
it was simply the ego maniac talking.

but maybe that was simply it.
in crescent.. things were different.
there was action.
no one studied.
if you did well.. you were naturally smart.
not some mugger.

we would go out practically every day.

people in rj always have something on.
it's either training..
or tuition..
or just some excuse so that they can go home and study more.

i so do not get it.
keep seeing myself asking people to come out with me after school.
and they are always "busy".

coming here has become one huge culture shock.

but here's the million dollar question:
why am i even whining?

i wanted to come to rj anyway.

maybe i'm just a little whiner by nature.

or maybe it's just me.
been slacking too much anyway.
in crescent i'd be so busy doing stuff... i purposely made sure that i would go out and enjoy myself.

i have too much time in jc.
and am doing nothing.

this sucks.

these two years are supposed to be the light years of my life.
and what am i doing?

wiling my time away.

in crescent it worked having 3942972937529 things to do.
am somehow i still could cope in school.

now i have.. nothing?...
and school's killing me.

i am still stuck at the beginning of everything.
according to my *darling* tamil teacher, my tamil's the standard of a sec 2 kid.

bleah.
going out with jean to watch a midsummer night's dream - the play on april 1st.
one of the more interesting things on my totally stoic social life.

i just realised something.
some people are busy everyday with 1 cca.

and i have 4.

yet, i do nothing.

bleah.

stacie's mom playing on the radio.
justina and i would scream out this song whenever we felt like it during lessons.
and the teachers would just smile and let us continue.

haha.

those days were fun.

the tutors in rj are so.. impersonal.

no one to accuse us of our warped sexual orientations like rupa..
no one to shout at us for "sitting like a boy" like dorai..
no one to make super lame jokes like goh wee suan..
no one to make fun of like slow..

i used to keep complaining about them when they were my teachers...
but no come to think of it..
it was these simple weird, irritating things they had that made life so interesting.

sigh.

the new school term starts in 10 hours.
next 1 3/4 years of studying.

wish me luck.

went for a run with pea yesterday at the track.

counting the fact that it was past noon on a weekday it was quite empty.
[i should enjoy my 2nd last year of school holidays.. sigh..]

and we ran the first 2km.. then after we passed the 2.2 mark it started pouring down on us...
so we kept running until we reached the nearest shelter.. which was 1km away.

ha. useless.

by that time we were both drenched.
and the shelter was this 6 by 4 feet space with a bench.. and a roof.

just realised that pea has nice calf muscles.
it's cause she runs with small steps.. so her legs are well toned.

ah. i'm jealous. but i don't have the patience to run with small steps anyway... which explains why half the time when we go out i suddenly find myself far in front and screaming at her to hurry up.

and then she'll scream at me for having long legs.

ha.

we're such a crappy pair.
went to orchard after that. and made up these lame things and started laughing for no reason.

her: i like your mom's cookies.
me: i like them too. you want some more?
her: no. she made them for your sister.
me: not like the entire batch is for her, right?
her: anyway.. she needs them for the winter season..
me: what winter season? it's not like there's a particular season for eating cookies or something.. there's no such thing as a cookie season.
her: but she might want to eat cookies for winter.
me: what crap? she's not hibernating or something.

and then we both burst out in laughter.
and it wasn't even half funny.

and then people kept looking at us.
we went to popular and were looking for chem tys.. and we were standing next to this lady..

me: eh.. chem tys.. where?
her: don't know.. is it there?
me: where?
her: there.
me: WHERE?
her: THERE.
me: WHERE?
lady: there. on the table.
me: oh..um.. thank you.
lady: yes, are you a j1 or j2?
me: ah.. j1.
lady: where?
me: um..rj.

then after that she hobbled up to us to discuss which tys was better.
cause she was buying for her daughter or something.
made polite conversation cause i was afraid that she would go complain to rj or something.

and pea's horribly brand conscious.
she was so disgusted that i bought the popular pencil box cause it..
a) was from popular
b) cost $3.90

ah well. i liked it.
and i bought it in the end. despite pea's disapproving "advice".

and then she nicely accompanied me to beautyworld plaza to buy my uniform.

her: ok. there's beautyworld plaza and beautyworld centre. which is it?
me: don't know.. just.. beautyworld..
her: *stares.*
me: eh.. all i know is that it's opposite kap. wait i'll call my friend.
her: yeah. call your friend. now. good timing.
me: (on the phone with vid.) so.. is it beautyworld centre or beautyworld plaza?....just.. beautyworld?...you sure?

ha. in the end we went to the wrong beautyworld.
beautyworld centre was just next door anyway..

and then we took a bus down to kino.
i started following pea around cause i was never really interested in books.

and finally left to go stare at the artifacts.
[they have spiderman's head for $500...]

this i realized while i suddenly looked up from cleo to see my reflection in spiderman's eyes.
was shocked at first. haha.

anyway, pea's really funny...

her: oi. you. i need your height...*grabs my arm and pulls me away from my magazine*
me: ...ah?
her: *pulls me to the bookshelf* go get that book.
me: what book?
her: can you reach the top shelf?
me: maybe...
her: ok.. get the book at the side.. the ethan hawke one..
me: this one?
her: next to it.
me: this one?
her: no, the one next to that.
me: argh. this one?

and then i started gloating about how i didn't have to use the ladder since i could pick up books from the top shelf.
but then decided to climb up the ladder anyway.

me: why didn't you just use the ladder anyway? *startes jerking away*
her: cause it can't move.
me: *starts rolling the ladder around*...you were saying?
her: hmph.
her: OI. what are you doing?
me: *scaling the ladder* ah? climbing?
her: you don't need the ladder.. you can reach the top shelf anyway.
me: *shrugs* yeah. but i'm bored.
her: AREN'T YOU SCARED?!
me: aiyah. if i die, tell my mom i love her.

and she started laughing after that.

and there was this lady staring at us the entire time.
another lady.

ah well.

i guess we have interesting faces.

anyway pea..
regarding *that* person..
my decision still stands.

i'm not being harsh.

considering the fact that you've known me for so long..
and you know what i've gone through with *that* person...

i would have thought that you'd admire my restraint.

to put it simply, *that* person had a chance.
and he blew it.

i hardly get really pissed out.
and you know that.

nor do i usually hold grudges.

but for *that* scum... i'll make an exception.

it's been almost half a year since that incident.
and i'm still talking about it.

it's obvious this matter runs deep.

and although it is brutally evident that i'm not over it..
too bad la.

don't want to see that idiot's face ever again.

work so hard for one person..
and then this happens.

and to think about all the times i actually bothered to stand up for that scum..

even talking about that person totally changes my mood.

sleep deprieved.
seriously.

just came back from orchard.
the rest are staying there till 6am cause they missed the last train.

crazy people.