The network underlines a prejudice.

note to self.
no boy is worth my staying up for.

sunday night. finish up essay. finish monday morning.
monday night. finish presentation. finish tuesday morning.
tuesday noon. give presentation. came home and passed out. woke up late and talked to g till early hours.
wednesday. movies with shez. bail on dinner plans with nad.
thursday. dinner with nad. then off to g's for the first time.
friday. wake up at g's. take the train into london. trip and fall. go to ucl health centre to get it bandaged. (keep it waterproof for 3 days.. seriously?) told to buy clingfilm to wrap it.
friday 2pm. tea/shopping with marie. come home. borrow roomate's clingfilm for shower. g convinces me to take the train to meet him.
saturday morning. g's colleague is in jail. meet g's mother. leave g at 4ish. 1.5h train ride. come home, dump books and contemplate changing. forget about changing. movie with joce at 6. (which i was late for.)
movie finishes at 8.30. buy clingfilm for shower/pool.
pizza arrives at 9. shez arrives at 9.30. hobble up and down stairs too much.
change into swimsuit. leave at 10.
pool party at ping's. phone dies. get home and talk to g fot 1.5hours.
6am sunday morning. rehearsal's at 11am. time for bed.

so yes.
after spending the entire sunday beating myself up over saying we should just be "friends".. (cliche much?)
he finally calls today. we pretend nothing's changed.
so it's a good hour of the usual nonsense talk just like it was. and i'm honestly relieved that he decided to sweep whatever happened under the carpet.
and then suddenly he goes "well we do have to talk about what happened last night."

a good 20 second silence later..

we start talking. well if talking is the word. more times it was just silence with the two of us trying to figure out what is it exactly that we want the other person to hear.

so yes.
i obviously chickened out and said the choice is up to him ultimately. cause i was good either way.
i wasn't really. i wasn't good any way. i just wanted a decision to be reached..

so first he said that he didn't want to lose me as a friend.. cause he was "commitment phobic".
(whatever. i am the queen of commitment issues.)

if i hadn't stopped what we were doing, this wouldn't be happening.
but to be fair, he started it. so really the mess is his fault.
who am i kidding. i chose to reciprocate.
AND THEN PULL AWAY.

ah well.

tried on my platform wedges.
ie probably the highest heels i own.. (if you could call them heels.)
and now my reaction is.. damn. i need something higher.

WHY

"you're too much of a good friend."

why did i say that? what's wrong with me.
you smell nice. i like the way you hold me. you're an amazing kisser.
no.. i had to say it.
you're too much of a good friend. f.

and now he says he agrees.

ARGH.